Do I Wanna Know?
by angstyangel
Summary: Rose and the Doctor are separated in different universes, yet their minds are still bonded. Occasionally one is able to glimpse the other's mind, but only in times of extreme emotions. Given how distraught both of them are about losing each other, will this prove a blessing or a curse? Extremely angsty, sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so this is my first attempt at DW fanfiction so please don't be too harsh! The story is set between Doomsday and sometime prior to Turn Left.**

 **The premise of the story is that while separated in different universes, the Doctor and Rose are sometimes experience each other's emotions. Basically it charts Rose's life in Pete's World without the Doctor, and the Doctor's life without Rose.**

 **Please note that this will be a super angsty fic, and there are references to different topics which could potentially be upsetting, I will try and include tws the best I can, but please be cautious.**

 **It won't be entirely angsty and there will be Nine and Ten fluffy flashbacks included. Please enjoy and review!**

"Despite being surrounded by the majority of her loved ones Rose knew she would be lonelier than ever this Christmas. A few years ago if she had been asked to describe her dream Christmas it would have been a lot like this; she was to spend the festive session with her Mum, Mickey and her Dad, they would be able to celebrate in style in Pete's mansion and there was snow, real snow. While this should have made for the perfect Christmas, there was one important fact that ruined Rose's Christmas. He wasn't here.

It had been mere weeks since the worst day of her life, the day she told the Doctor she loved him on Bad Wolf Bay, the day her heart crumbled in two, the day she died. Rose hadn't been able to hold back tears for more than a few hours since that day, and now on what was supposed to be the happiest time of year she was more sad than she could ever remember being before.

She just wanted to be pulling crackers with the Doctor in her mum's flat in the Powell Estate like last year. Rose would have traded all the expensive presents from Pete, the 15ft professionally decorated tree and the serving staff waiting on them hand and foot for just one moment with her Doctor. Last year may not have had the storybook feel of this year's festivities but to Rose it had been the perfect Christmas.

Rose didn't wake until almost midday on Christmas morning, she had cried until the early hours and as a result wasn't fit for her usual routine of getting up with the birds on December 25th. Jackie had to wake her up so that the Tylers could open their Christmas presents together. Rose tried her best to be genuinely pleased by all her beautiful designer gifts and not to succumb to the dark cloud that loomed over her at all times. Pete seemed satisfied that his (kind of) daughter was enjoying her day, but Rose knew that Jackie could see right through her pretence.

In the afternoon Mickey and his grandmother came for Christmas dinner. Rose took one look at the lavishly decorated table, her eyes focusing in on the expensive crackers and she knew she couldn't do it. The memories of last year, of the Doctor, were too strong.

"I'm really sorry everyone but I'm not feeling well, I'm gonna have to go upstairs and skip dinner," she had told her parents and the Smiths. It had been a lie, and a very transparent lie at that, to get away from the table. Rose dashed out of the dining room before any of them could challenge her, but instead of going to rest in her room she had slipped out the front door.

Rose's coping mechanism for dealing with the past few months in Pete's World had been to avoid anything that would remind of him. This had proven difficult, everything reminded her of him, even stupid things like bananas and Dickens' novels. She had found herself taking refuge in the nearby chapel.

"One of the subtle differences between this parallel world and her home was that Catholicism was the prevalent religion in England rather than Anglicanism.

Rose had said to Jackie when they first arrived, "Did Henry VIII never convert or what?"

"I don't know sweetheart," her mother had replied, "Why don't you investigate? Sounds like something you and the Doctor would have done."

"Mum, don't pretend you know him, don't pretend you care what he would do if he was here," Rose had shouted, "Don't pretend you aren't glad I'm not with him anymore!"

Jackie had learnt not to mention the Doctor after that.

The truth was Rose knew the Doctor would find all the little discontinuities between the two worlds fascinating, she could picture him, leaping around in that pinstriped suit of his, trying to solve the mystery. And so Rose did not dwell on the differing religious denominations between Earths.

"However she found the Roman Catholic masses soothing, she wasn't entirely sure why, Rose had never been religious, but there was something about the ritual of religion that eased her mind.

Rose slipped into a pew at the back of the chapel and dropped to her knees, closing her eyes pretending to be praying. She emptied her mind of thoughts of the Doctor so that nothing clouded her mind, and she almost felt okay, almost.

As she opened her eyes from her silent meditation, she noticed a nun had sat down beside her on the pew. The nun noticed Rose glancing up at her,

"I'm sorry child, you looked deep in prayer," the Sister whispered, "Did I disturb you?"

Rose got up from her kneeling position and sat beside the nun, trying to banish thoughts of cats in wimples,

"No Sister," she said, "In fact truth be told I wasn't even praying."

The nun nodded, "I've seen you here quite a lot recently, you find sanctuary here am I right? But you're not a member of the Church I would guess?"

Rose blushed as the sharp blue eyes of the elderly nun surveyed her,

"No, I'm not even a believer." She didn't know why she had admitted this to a woman who had dedicated her whole life to the Catholic Church, and she half expected the old lady to throw her out of the chapel.

To Rose's great surprise the old woman replied, "It does not matter, it's our duty to help those in pain no matter what they believe."

"How'd you know I'm in pain?"

The woman suddenly reached out and took Rose's hand, her eyes had taken on a glassy look and she whispered rapidly almost as though she was in a trance.

"Child, you said you're not a believer but I know you have your Messiah. The God in the Blue Box. And your heart aches because he is so very far away. You wonder if you were ever good enough, and you think you can't ever be the person you were with him again. But Rose, you should know that you're his Messiah as much as he was yours. The fallen angel needed you to rise again, you were the Doctor's salvation."

"How do you know his name? How do you know my name?" Rose said, attempting to get up and walk away from the nun, but the elderly woman's grip on her hand was vice-like, "Get off me!"

"But just like Lucifer, he leaves only pain and destruction in his wake. Child, I'm sorry to tell you there's more destruction to come. You will find your Angel again, but before then you will lose yourself and you will suffer and suffer and suffer. God bless you, Rose Tyler, God save you."

With that the old nun released Rose's hand, and shut her eyes briefly before re-opening,

"Yes, as I was saying, the Church is open as a sanctuary to you. What is your name child?" she said, as though she had no recollection of what she had just said.

Rose got up from the pew and ran, ran from the church and away from the spooky nun. The words "you will suffer and suffer and suffer" reverberated around her head. How could she possible suffer anymore? Rose felt that her heart would simply shatter if she had to endure anymore emotional pain.

It bothered Rose that the nun had known her darkest fear, that she was nothing without the Doctor. Before she had begun travelling she had felt useless, a shop girl with nothing extraordinary about her. But with him she had felt like the most important woman in the universe. Now Rose wondered why she had ever thought she was worthy of travelling with the Time Lord. She remembered being insecure at the start of her adventure, but he had helped her to build up her self-esteem.

 _Soon after Rose began travelling with the Doctor, the big-eared, leather-clad, blue-eyed incarnation of the Doctor, she began to doubt her worthiness._

 _Rose remembered they had been back in time to the 1950s Soviet Union chasing some rogue Kewps (which were aliens that resembled huge earwigs), and after having tracked down and sent the malignant creatures packing, they had celebrated by getting Russian vodka in the local village._

 _Rose had been to buy herself and the Doctor another round, and saw on her return that the Time Lord was deep in conversation with a young Russian woman. The Doctor looked entranced by the woman, and his blue eyes were fixed on her intently. Rose set down the glasses of vodka on the table and smiled at the girl, she smiled back and said that she and "Doctor Smith" had just been discussing her hobby parachuting and she was sorry to have disturbed them. She said her goodbyes to the Doctor and Rose, and hurried out into the cold Russian winter._

 _"Who was that?" Rose asked._

 _"Rose Tyler; that was Valentina Tereshkova. She will become the first woman in space," the Doctor had replied excitedly, "A truly remarkable woman! Oh Rose, she's absolutely fantastic!"_

 _All the way back to the TARDIS, the Doctor talked about how brilliant Valentina was, "Do you know even in your time, she's still seeking to be a pioneer. Seventy years old and wants to travel to Mars!" "She was only a textile worker before she became a cosmonaut, imagine being able to achieve such great things from such insignificant beginnings! Fantastic!"_

 _"…Doctor," Rose finally spoke once they were sitting in the TARDIS, having allowed him to rave on for some time, "Why don't you bring her with you instead? You could go anywhere in time, and have any choice of person to travel with. You could travel with the first woman in space, or Marilyn Monroe, or Marie Curie, or Einstein, or Shakespeare. Why settle for me? I'm just a shop girl who lives on a council estate."_

 _The Doctor looked at her, he surveyed her with his ice blue eyes, "Rose Tyler, I could go anywhere in the Universe and anytime in history or in the future, but I could never find anyone I'd want to travel with more than you."_

 _Rose avoided his gaze, "I'm just a stupid ape, a stupid ape who didn't even do A-Levels. I don't get it," she replied._

 _He reached out his calloused hand and stroked her check, then tilted her chin gently so that their eyes met._

 _"When will you believe that you're incredible? I don't know where I'd be without you and that's the truth. Don't ever doubt yourself Rose, you're too good for that."_

After a while Rose had begun to believe him that she was worthy to travel in the TARDIS, but now having been stranded on Pete's parallel world, she doubted he ever even believed those words himself. To Rose, the Doctor's hesitation when replying to her declaration of love on Bad Wolf Bay said it all, he was relieved to be rid of the silly shop girl from the council estate.

Maybe now, he was with someone smarter, more elegant, and more cultured; perhaps he had gone back in time to pick up bloody Madame de Pompadour, Rose thought bitterly. She mentally reprimanded herself for being this bitter, but the voice of self-hate was persistent in her head.

 _You were never worthy. A dead weight the Doctor had to bear. Useless, stupid girl. You will never amount to anything without him. Rotting away here where he left you. A boring human life. What you deserve really._

Tears began to roll down Rose's cheek as waves of despair washed over her, and the voices in her head got louder. The water on Rose's cheek felt as though it would freeze in the cold December air as her self-loathing grew even stronger. This, coupled with the nun's eerie predictions, solicited loud sobs from Rose which racked her body.

An older man, presumably concerned by her sobbing, approached her. But instead of offering words of consolation, he grabbed her and tried to wrench off the designer coat she was wearing which contained her expensive new phone. Rose resisted her mugger, but the man was strong and seized her coat, throwing the young woman to the floor in the process.

She landed on the snow-covered pavement heavily and wondered if she had broken something.

"Rich bitch," the mugger muttered as his victim sobbed. For good measure, the man kicked Rose in the ribs several times before running off with his prize.

In that moment Rose thought she would die, she had never felt such pain before and such cold. She couldn't bring herself to her feet and her body felt like ice. Rose screamed, but it seemed almost everyone was in their houses celebrating Christmas Day.

She closed her eyes, accepting that it might be for the last time and she felt surprisingly indifferent to this fact.

 **Meanwhile in a parallel universe…**

The Doctor had just dropped Donna off, after her nightmarish wedding experience. It was probably best she had declined to travel with him, he thought. He couldn't deal with becoming close to another human, only to have them ripped away like Rose.

It was Christmas Day on Earth, which he was currently orbiting. Millions of humans below, eating Christmas pudding and settling down to watch the great telly on that evening. His previous form would have dismissed it all as "domestic", but he was jealous of those below. The Doctor wished he too could have spent a Christmas Day with the people he loved…or rather, the person.

Instead he watched the lights of the planet below, wishing that she was here beside him, making him laugh or making him think deeply. If Christmas was the season for wishes to come true, why was his only desire not being granted?

The Doctor re-entered his empty TARDIS, and stood desolately by the controls. Suddenly, the Doctor felt a tear roll down his cheek. That was weird. He was depressed but not that sad. The tears seemed to be rolling spontaneously down his cheeks. Suddenly the Doctor felt a searing pain in his side, so strong that he doubled over and then collapsed on the TARDIS floor. His mind raced as to what could be causing these irrational feelings, but before he could consider too thoroughly, he passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay Chapter Two! A long chapter and a bit different from the last, but hopefully enjoyable! Very very mild reference to suicide contained in the chapter.**

"Rose? Rose?"

Rose opened her eyes groggily to see her mother standing above her, she was in her room in Pete's mansion and she struggled to remember how she had got there.

And then the memories of her mugging came flooding back, Rose was surprised that she had made it back here, she had felt utterly hopeless when she had been lying on the ground on that cold Christmas night.

"Good morning sweetheart," Jackie said, "How are you feeling?"

"Okayish," Rose said, sitting up and feeling a sharp pain in her side, "I think. Mum, I thought I was dead."

"The Doctor said… I mean… Dr. Murphy said…" Jackie stuttered realising her faux pas of having mentioned "The Doctor" "That you've probably broken a rib or two and that you'll have some pain but that it will heal on its own. You were lucky Rose."

"I don't feel lucky," she muttered, staring down at her hands. After a moment of awkward silence passed she said, "Can I take some painkillers?"

Her mother nodded and reached into her dressing gown pocket for the bottle of pills. She opened the cap and handed Rose two.

"Two every six hours," Jackie recited and replaced the painkillers in her pocket.

"Why are you keeping them? I'm an adult, I can handle my own medication Mum," Rose asked bemused.

Jackie didn't say anything but simply pursed her lips as if to suggest she was worried.

""Oh I get it," Rose laughed coldly, "You and Pete think poor lovesick Rose is gonna top herself. God Mum, who do you think I am?"

"Rose," Jackie said, sitting down on her daughter's bed, "Your father and I are worried about you. We know it's been difficult coming here and trying to fit. Pete knows an excellent counsellor you could see, we just want to see you better sweetheart."

"Mum, firstly Pete is not my father. My father died when I was a baby. Remember?" Rose said cruelly, "Secondly, I'm not ill. What would I even say to a counsellor? "The time-travelling alien I love is trapped on a different universe and now my life feels meaningless"? I'd be locked up, Mum!"

Jackie was subdued by her daughter's response (this annoyed Rose even more, for her mother must see her as being delicate if she wasn't arguing back).

"Okay Rose," Jackie replied in a quiet voice, "Why don't you come down and join us for Boxing Day brunch?"

Rose didn't reply but rather turned her face away from her mother with anger. Jackie left the room, leaving her daughter alone.

After a few minutes Rose began to feel ashamed of the way she had spoken to her mum and felt the need to go downstairs to apologise and perhaps even enjoy the family brunch. She gingerly swung her body around so that she could put her feet on the floor and get out of bed. Rose felt surprisingly steady on her feet, and it was only really her left side that was in pain. She put on her new expensive dressing gown and slippers and padded out of her room and towards the grand staircase.

Once Rose was halfway down the marble staircase she began to hear loud arguing coming from the dining room.

"Please Jackie, let me take her out on New Year's Eve," Mickey begged.

"No Mickey! She has broken ribs, she can't go out bloody clubbing!" Her mum shouted in response.

"The Doctor said she'll be fine to carry on being active so long as she takes breaks," Mickey pointed out.

"Yes but he meant "active" as in walking! Not downing Jägermeisters in town!"

"Jackie she deserves this, I promise I'll take care of her!"

"I doubt she's even in the mood to go out and party! No it'd just upset her even more! Right Pete?" Jackie insisted, looking to her husband for back-up on the matter.

Rose heard the long hesitation before her dad said,

"I dunno Jacks, it has to be better than sitting in her room all night like she's being doing every night since she arrived."

Rose decided this was the time to enter the dining room before her mum roasted Pete alive.

"What are we talking about?" she asked addressing her surprised family.

"Just how I'm taking you out to Arcadia on New Year's Eve," Mickey replied.

Rose raised a bemused eyebrow, "Arcadia? As in the Arcadia we used to go to every Saturday? There's an Arcadia in this parallel world?" She laughed for the first time in a while, "Brilliant," she said.

Arcadia had been their favourite nightclub back at home, and Rose had many fond memories from nights out there. She wondered whether they had the same 2 for 1 cocktail deals in this parallel Arcadia.

Mickey smiled at Jackie, knowing that Rose's positive reaction had mean he'd won this particular argument.

Jackie just pouted, still clearly concerned about the idea of Rose going out to a nightclub on New Year's.

New Year's Eve arrived and Rose began regretting consenting to Mickey taking her out that night. Her mum had been right, she really wasn't in the mood to party, but Rose knew she was sinking into a slump of inactivity which just led to more sadness and she hoped that some socialisation would perhaps bring her out of her gloom.

But she thought while choosing her outfit, she wanted to see what this club was like, whether it would be exactly the same as at home. She wondered whether she'd spot a parallel version of her mate Shareen flirting to get free drinks at the bar, or whether there'd be a parallel Basil, the hilarious bouncer who sometimes let her skip the queue.

It was nine o'clock and Rose wasn't yet ready to go out. She heard a knock at her door,

"Rose, hurry up will ya!" Mickey said.

Rose peeked her head around the door, "Mickey I need your advice," she said beckoning him into her room. He sat down on her chair sighing loudly.

She was wearing a low plunging black top with a white skirt, "Okay," Rose said, "So this…" she gestured to her current outfit, "Or…"

She took off her current top to try on the other shirt that was lying on her bed.

Mickey's eyes widening as Rose underdressed

"Whoa Rose, what are you doing?" he shouted, covering his eyes with his hands.

"Trying on my other top you idiot," she replied, pulling it over her head.

"Yeah I know we're just "really good mates" now Rose," Mickey said, still covering his eyes, "But I am not your gay best friend, so please no more strip shows!"

Rose paid him no attention, "Yeah I think I'm going to wear the first one, you can see my bruises when I wear this," she said, quickly changing, "You can open your eyes now you idiot."

Mickey peeked through his fingers to make sure she was fully dressed and then smiled at her,

"Can we go at long last?"

Rose hadn't worn high heels in a very long time and she felt unsteady on her feet as she and Mickey entered Arcadia. It was very similar to how she remembered it, with loud thumping dance music and a dimly lit dance floor with masses of young people grinding and swaying to the sound of the speakers. Mickey led her to a booth where they could have a little more peace, he got them drinks and then sat down beside Rose, the two friends surveying the dancefloor for familiar (yet parallel) faces from their old life.

"That's Katie Moore!" Mickey shouted excitedly over the music, his eyes lighting up. Even when they were going out Rose always knew Mickey had a soft spot for Katie Moore, unfortunately, she'd thought he was an idiot.

"Go talk to her!" Rose shouted back, perhaps this version of Katie Moore would find Mickey loveably idiotic. After a few more persuasive tactics by Rose, Mickey finally made his way to the dancefloor to talk to the girl.

Rose was left alone gazing around the crowds, again feeling completely isolated. She couldn't see a parallel Shareen or even a parallel Basil. Rose wrinkled her nose at the bad music and even worse dancing in Arcadia, funny, it had never bothered her before. I suppose when you'd been to an exclusive dance party in downtown LA in 1973, Arcadia didn't really cut it anymore.

 _Rose remembered that particular outing with great nostalgia. It had been just after Captain Jack joined them on their travels in the TARDIS and after Rose had discovered that the Doctor danced. The addition of Jack aboard the TARDIS meant that when they weren't defeating Slitheen or defending planets, they were on some pleasure planet or going to an Intergalactic Bar._

 _This particular day Jack had expressed his love for "classical" 20th century earth music, Rose had smiled widely,_

 _"Yes! Where shall we go? 60s? 70s? 80s?" she had asked excitedly._

 _"I fancy the seventies," Jack said._

 _"You fancy everything," the Doctor retorted, "But okay, we'll do the seventies."_

 _Rose and Jack looked at each and smiled widely, and the Captain made a lewd commenting betting that he could seduce both Agnetha and Bjorn simultaneously._

 _The Doctor made a face, "You've just put me off ABBA for life; anyway I was thinking about something a bit cooler," he said._

 _"Oh we're not cool enough for him Jack!" Rose said with hilarity, "Okay Doctor Hip, what seventies music do you think is "cool"?"_

 _"You'll see!" The Doctor shouted, suddenly pressing several controls on the TARDIS. Rose laughed as they were spun into the Time Vortex. She would never get tired of this thrill._

 _They came to a stop at their mystery destination, and the Doctor smiled at his two companions, he spread his arms dramatically,_

 _"So Rose, Captain Jack, here we are about to step out into…"_

 _"Hold on sorry," Rose interrupted the Doctor's grand speech, "I'm going to change into something a bit more 70s."_

 _"Rose you really don't have to…" the Doctor started she had already darted off in the direction of the TARDIS wardrobe._

 _Rose emerged minutes later wearing a burgundy velvet mini-dress which showed off ample cleavage. Jack whistled when he saw her,_

 _"Miss Tyler, you're a knock-out," he complimented._

 _The Doctor said nothing but kept his intense blue eyes fixed on her, and Rose wondered if he was admiring her body. Scratch that, rather, Rose hoped he was admiring her body._

 _The Time Lord readjusted his leather jacket and adverting his gaze from his human companion._

 _"So, as I was saying," he said, "We've arrived in downtown LA in 1973. At one of the coolest joints in town. Some of the greatest, most influential artists are in their prime. Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross, Bill Withers, the Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder all here! At our doorstep!"_

 _"What are we waiting for?" Jack asked grinning that charming smile of his and linking arms with both Rose and the Doctor and leading them out of the TARDIS._

 _The atmosphere inside the club was electric, and it was frequented by clearly the coolest people in LA. Jack had claimed Rose as his dance partner, leaving the Doctor watching them from a bar stool._

 _Rose remembered how expertly Jack had swung her about in time to the music, she wasn't much of a dancer but he had a way of making them both seem like pros. He flirted with her outrageously for most of the evening, which she simply laughed off. Even though she found Jack extremely attractive, Rose found her attention lay elsewhere. She keep stealing glances at the Doctor whose gaze had not left the pair, was he jealous? Was it bad that she hoped he was jealous?_

 _A smile lit up Jack's face when the next song was played it "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye, Rose noticed him pull her in extra tight. He mouthed the sexy lyrics as they swayed to the music. Rose just smiled at the flirty antics of the Time Agent, and raised an eyebrow as he attempted some "Dirty Dancing" style moves on her._

 _The song concluded and Rose found that the Doctor was standing right behind her, just as he opened his mouth to speak the music on the speakers was switched off and a man stood to speak in the microphone on stage._

 _"Ladies and gentleman, for one night only, exclusively debuting his new album. It is the one, the only STEVIE WONDER!"_

 _Rose and many others in the club screamed as the legendary singer came onstage._

 _"Oh my god!" she had squealed exhilarated._

 _"You knew this was gonna happen didn't you?" Jack asked the Doctor who just smiled smugly and said,_

 _"Captain, go get us some drinks."_

 _Just as Jack (with some reluctance) walked away from them, the opening notes of "Superstition" started up and the legend himself started to sing._

 _The Doctor held out his hand, and Rose took it, as he pulled her in to dance. As his hand landed on her waist Rose felt shivers go down her spine, they had had closer touch than this before…yet this was different somehow. With the music pounded in her ears and the Doctor's body moving rhythmically in time with her body and so close to it that they were so nearly rubbing against each other, Rose felt this was a much more sensual experience._

 _She shouldn't still be surprised he was a good dancer, yet she was. "Nine hundred years old, me. I've been around a bit. I think you can assume at some point I've danced" he had told her. His experience was evident from the way he moved, and Rose couldn't take her eyes off him. Her mind wondered to whether "danced" had been a euphemism… she wondered whether his expertise extended to other areas. "No," Rose mentally told herself, "Stupid girl why are you fantasising like your mum reading a Mills and Boon novel?" But it was easy to fantasise, especially when the Doctor was looking at her so intensely and his hands were pressed against her body..._

 _All too soon, the night was over and the three travellers were back in the TARDIS soundly asleep, where Rose would have the first of many dreams about "dancing" with the Doctor._

This experience at Arcadia could never live up to her night out with Jack and the Doctor, Rose thought bitterly. Just as she was about to call a taxi and go home, she heard a deep voice.

"Well what's a gorgeous girl like you doing sitting here all alone on New Year's Eve?"

Rose's jaw dropped when she turned and saw who it was sitting next to her in booth,

"I'm Jimmy," said Jimmy Stone, running a hand through his slick backed dark hair, "What's your name babygirl?"

"I'm Rose," Rose stuttered, failing to believe there was a parallel Jimmy Stone sitting in front of her, "I was with my friend, but he went to dance."

"Well Rose, funny enough my mates have ditched me too," Jimmy said, "I'll buy you a drink and we can be lonely together. A mojito, right?" He said nodding at her almost empty glass.

"Oh you don't have to," Rose insisted.

"I don't have to, but I want to sweetheart," he replied winking.

Rose watched him, half shocked, half in awe. She should have known he'd be here, he used to bring her out here almost every weekend. He had known one of the owners and was able to sneak her in, despite the fact she was underage. Rose had forgotten how smooth Jimmy Stone was, and how attractive. He reminded her of Danny Zuko from Grease with his almost black slicked back hair, and sparkling grey eyes. Things had ended badly with the other Jimmy Stone, but she had been young and foolish. Surely chatting to an attractive man on New Year's Eve as a grown woman was perfectly acceptable?

Besides, it kept her thoughts from straying back to dancing with the Doctor and that could be no bad thing.

"So Jimmy, what do you do?" she asked sweetly as he brought her drink to her.

 **Meanwhile in a parallel universe…**

The Doctor had no idea what had happened, and that wasn't something he could say very often. Less than a week ago he had mysteriously collapsed on the TARDIS floor in pain, with no explanation as to why.

He'd initially assumed it was some weird alien virus he picked up somewhere, but the TARDIS could find nothing. He'd then wondered whether he'd been poisoned or something by one of his many foes, again the most advanced scanner in existence, which had been created on Gallifrey itself, found no traces.

The Time Lord had been forced to conclude if had simply been the effects of 900 years catching up on him, but somehow he still felt unsettled about the mysterious cause of his pain. It was fair to say he'd felt a bit…off in general recently.

He wondered whether grief could cause physical pain in Time Lords as well as emotional pain. There was no one left to address that question to, and so he would never know. One of the many disadvantages of being the last of your kind was that you basically had to guess about whether your bodily reactions were normal which meant spotting when you were actually ill was a challenge.

However, the Doctor knew one for certain was the great Time Lords of Gallifrey would have deemed his reaction to losing Rose Tyler abnormal. Even among their own kind, Time Lords were somewhat cold. They were a higher species, who were simply to observe other lesser races and the carnage that their unbridled emotions brought them; at least that's the message that the Doctor had been fed ever since he was a child.

He could practically hear the elders of Gallifrey tutting over his relationship with an expendable human being. But to the Doctor, Rose was not expendable, he could search all the galaxies and never find another like her. Even standing here in the TARDIS, months after he lost her his heart ached when he thought about the fact that he would never see her again. The Doctor felt as though she had taken half his soul with her when she had disappeared into the other universe.

Then he saw Rose again, one last time, she had told him she loved him. The Doctor had known that, even if she had never said the words before. He'd often wondered what he had done to deserve the love of someone like Rose Tyler. Rose Tyler; who brought light into even the darkest of rooms, who had taken the Time Vortex into her and saved the universe, who had brought out his humanity, who was the purest person he'd ever met. But the Doctor was an old man really; an old, bitter, lonely man who had committed genocide, and she loved him.

And he loved her. But he never told her. The words got stuck in his throat, and all he had managed to get out was "Rose Tyler…" It was killing him every day, that Rose Tyler would never know for certain that he loved her. But he had to keep going, last of the Time Lords and all that, he couldn't let his silent pain escape him. Maybe all the repressed emotional pain had come out in the form of physical pain he had experienced last week.

It would be New Year's Eve in Rose's World, the Doctor thought. Even though, as a Time Traveller, he had no concept of what day it was, he had been counting the days since Rose left and he knew that it had been almost six months since they parted in July 2006 earth time. Today for her, was New Year's Eve, he hoped she was out celebrating, hoped that she had been able to find more happiness than he had.

The Doctor slumped himself down on the seat in the TARDIS control room, how he wished she was here beside him. He closed his eyes, sometimes he wanted to just forget about Rose Tyler. But then he realised, their memories was the only thing keeping him going.

Suddenly the Doctor didn't see darkness behind his closed eyelids, but a foggy image of an unfamiliar man. A very close unfamiliar man who was leaning towards him. The Doctor's head hurt and his hearts were pounding for no apparent reason. He opened his eyes, but still his physical reactions continued. His stomach turned and his mouth became dry. He felt inexplicably angry…no, actually, it was not anger he felt but jealousy? Jealousy at who? The Doctor thought, why he was his brain making him feel jealous when he was sitting alone in the TARDIS?

The Doctor had felt jealousy before, he had felt it most strongly when Jack Harkness was travelling with them, when he was in his previous form. On some occasions it had been almost overpowering.

 _He remembered the Captain had wanted to visit the 1970s to go sample the earth music. Jack had ABBA in mind, but the Doctor had a brainwave and had remembered a place where he could take his two companions that would surely impress them._

 _Rose had insisted that she change into some more appropriate clothes (which was really pointless, but the Doctor knew he had no hope of stopping her)._

 _"Do I just have a face that screams "ignore me"?" he had asked Jack after Rose ran off to the wardrobe, "She loves to flipping dress up."_

 _"So do I," Jack had replied, "Can I…"_

 _"No," the Doctor stopped him mid-sentence, "You can't."_

 _"You let her," Jack pointed out, "And trust me, my bum looks great in flares." Jack winked at him._

 _The Doctor rolled his eyes, just as Rose emerged._

 _Jack wolf whistled, and the Doctor could see why. She was wearing a dress that only covered the topmost part of her legs. It also dipped at the top showing off her breasts. He really shouldn't be staring at her, but he couldn't avert his eyes from admiring her curves._

 _As soon as they entered the club, Jack had said,_

 _"As much as I love a ménage a trois, I would imagine it's frowned upon in this primitive society. So Doc, sit down, the lady is mine."_

 _He had grabbed Rose's hand and pulled her towards him, while she giggled wildly. The Doctor sighed and sat down at the bar. He watched them through gritted teeth, handsome Jack certainly knew who to flirt._

 _The Doctor tried to pretend he didn't care that Jack basically had his hand on Rose's bum, but he couldn't. What if she liked him? He was an incredibly attractive, flashy time-agent, the Doctor with his big eyes and silly old face could not compete with that. Rose was impressed with Jack, and Jack was impressed with Rose. Both clearly found each other attractive, it wouldn't be beyond imagine that they would get together._

 _The Doctor felt sick at the thought of Rose with him, he glared over at the_ _Pair who were dancing horribly close to each other. Then to the Doctor's horror, "Let's Get It On" came on in the club. He saw Jack mouth sing the lyrics to Rose who was blushing and giggling, "I'm asking you baby to get it on with me" the Captain mouthed. Over my dead body, the Doctor thought angrily. He felt a surge of jealousy run through him, and got up on his feet ready to pull Rose away from Jack._

 _Just as he reached them however, as he was about to open his mouth and tell Jack exactly where to go, the music ceased and the compere spoke, he introduced Stevie Wonder who was making a surprise one-off appearance in the small club._

 _Rose jumped up and down excitedly, squealing as the legendary singer came onstage._

 _Jack smiled wryly, "You knew this was going to happen didn't you?"_

 _Of course he did, one of the advantages of being a Time Traveller was being able to surprise your companions with this sort of coincidental occurrence._

 _The Doctor was glad Mr Wonder had come onstage when did, it had meant the he was prevented from giving Jack a piece of his mind and seeming like a jealous freak in front of Rose. Still, the jealousy had not altogether faded and he wanted to dance with her. He made Jack go get drinks, and he took Rose's hand._

 _The Doctor could dance, and he would show her that he was a lot better than pretty-boy Jack. His hearts beat violently in his chest due to the intimacy of his contact with Rose. He danced with her for several songs, before she got tired and declared she needed to sit down. The Doctor felt bereaved when he removed his hands from her body_

 _They sat down at the bar with Jack and had a drink together. When Rose excused herself to go to the ladies room, Jack turned to the Doctor and stated,_

 _"You were jealous."_

 _He feigned ignorance, "I don't know what you're talking about."_

 _"You were jealous of me dancing with Rose. You don't like the idea of us together," Jack said, with the same assured tone._

 _The Doctor didn't like the tone of the accusation, he decided to give the Captain a half-truth,_

 _"I don't want to see you hurting her," he replied, "You'd run off with the next attractive being that came your way."_

 _"No I wouldn't Doctor, I couldn't hurt Rose," Jack's tone was angry and the Doctor knew he'd been successful in provoking him, but the Captain was able to regain his composure as he said, "That's not the reason why you don't like the idea of us screwing anyway; you love her."_

 _"Stop being ridiculous Jack," the Doctor retorted, his stomach turning at the use of the word "screwing"._

 _"I'm not being ridiculous," Jack replied, "Oh, and for the record, I wouldn't even attempt to properly woo Rose."_

 _The Doctor snorted, "Yeah right," he said._

 _"I'm being serious!" Jack insisted, "I don't go after people who are hopelessly in love with a Time Lord who is evidently also hopelessly in love with her. You should tell her Doc."_

 _The Doctor was flabbergasted,_

 _"I don't know whether you're trying to wind me up or what," the Doctor hissed, "But even if what you said was just true, and I'm not saying that it is, I could never burden Rose with something like that. She's too young and too good, Jack."_

 _Just then Rose returned from the toilets and the conversation ended. But Jack stared at him with an annoyingly knowing look for the rest of the evening._

The Doctor could only remember feeling jealousy when he was with Rose, but yet she was trapped in another universe to him. His head was still aching and he closed his eyes again, he could still see the same dark-haired man. He saw this man reach out his hand, to stroke his cheek? And then lean in…as though he was kissing him?

Well this was odd, the Doctor wasn't attracted to men in this incarnation, and even if he was, he wouldn't feel jealousy when he thought about kissing them. Trying to ignore the jealousy pounding around his body, the Doctor thought.

Maybe he was jealous about the possibility that Rose had meet someone in her world, perhaps it had been eating away at him without him realising, and the suppressed emotions had manifested himself in a hallucination. Or perhaps he was somehow seeing what Rose saw? Maybe it was real.

The Doctor took deep breaths, trying to calm his heart rates. After several minutes he again closed his eyes, and was thankful when he saw only darkness behind them.

As his body returned to normal, the Doctor cleared his mind of silly thoughts that he had somehow seen into Rose's mind. There was nothing to suggest that what he had seen had anything to do with her. He was simply an old lovesick fool.

 **I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter! It's very different from the last one I feel, but hopefully you still liked it. I couldn't resist putting in a bit of jealous Nine, in what was hopefully an enjoyable flashback from two perspectives! I'm not sure whether some of it came across as OOC though!**

 **I was conflicted about whether the Doctor should realise what he's experiencing in this chapter. I think he'll realise he's seeing Rose's POV soon, but it's going to take him a while to work out why! I'm going for a slow-build thing with this whole story, hopefully it's not too torturous. I have a clear idea of what I want to unfold but I don't want to lay all my cards on the table in the first few chapters.**

 **Rose will also experience the perspective of the Doctor, it's not just a one-sided thing. This will be included in upcoming chapters!**

 **As I said, I'm quite unsure about this chapter so feedback would appreciated! Thank you to anyone who has reviewed/followed/favourited so far, I've had some very encouraging feedback which helps me to write.**

 **Thanks and much love xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three, whoop whoop! This chapter isn't going to please many readers in its developments, but there's a nice fluffy flashback! Hope you enjoy, and don't feel too sad by the end of it!**

Yet again, Rose was arguing with Jackie.

"You can't tell me who I can and can't date Mum!" she shouted.

"Oh yes I can! Certainly when it comes to bloody Jimmy Stone, I can!" her mother retorted.

"Jesus Christ!" Rose exclaimed, "I'm not a child, how long will it take you to get that into your thick skull?"

Jackie sighed, and said, "Rose, I'm only looking out for what's best for you. I'm not ready to see your heart broken by Jimmy Stone again."

"Mum, he is literally a completely different man, and I am essentially a completely different woman," she said, "Besides, he was a complete gentleman on our date."

It was true; Jimmy had picked Rose up (a street away from Pete's mansion to avoid Jackie seeing him) and had taken her to a nice restaurant in town. He had held the door for her, complimented her repeatedly and refused to let her split the bill. In short, he had behaved like a perfect gentleman.

Rose initially hadn't told her family who she was going out with, but they had been thrilled to hear she was going on a date. She had suspected they'd be less thrilled if they knew she was going out with Jimmy Stone.

Her mother blamed Jimmy for causing Rose to drop out of school, and said that he was responsible for the messy way the relationship ended. As such, it was definitely best to keep the fact she was going on a date with him to herself.

However, Mickey had let the cat out of the bag, despite Rose having asked him not to tell her mother and father, he had told Jackie the truth about her daughter's date. Mickey had been left to pick up the pieces after Jimmy and Rose broke up, and as such wasn't a fan of the man either. He had seen Rose kissing Jimmy on New Year's Eve, and hadn't been happy about it. She had made him swear to silence, but apparently he had told Jackie while Rose was out on her date. And now her mother was livid with her.

"After all you've been through I can't believe you'd go back to Jimmy Stone?!" Jackie yelled in disbelief.

"Mum, the evening I just had with Jimmy was one of the first times I've felt normal since I arrived here," Rose said, "It felt like my life before everything became complicated, I need to build a life of my own here and I think Jimmy could help me."

"Rose Tyler, did you lose your memory as well as your sense when came to this universe?" her mother said, shaking her head, "You and I both know, deep down, that Jimmy Stone helps no-one but himself."

"Honestly, I feel like you hate me being with anyone, don't you Mum?" Rose retorted harshly, "You hated the Doctor and you hate Jimmy, you'd rather have me stuck here with you, wouldn't you?"

"Don't you dare speak to me like that!" Jackie shouted back, storming out of her daughter's room and downstairs, dramatically.

Rose flopped back onto her bed, she was exhausted from her date and from arguing with her mum. She reflected on the events of the evening, it had all gone rather well with Jimmy given the complexity of the situation. She had to keep reminding herself that he was not the Jimmy Stone, she'd known from her old life, and that he wouldn't remember the same things. Once or twice she had nearly tripped up on that, referencing people she used to know.

She had even gotten a goodnight kiss, but for some reason, her head ached after he kissed her, as it had done on New Year's Eve. And it wasn't the pleasant head-spinning sensation you got when someone's touch made you feel light on your feet; Rose had felt a sharp pain shoot through her temples both times she had kissed Jimmy.

Perhaps it was just her body reacting negatively to kissing someone other than the Doctor. Even though she would surely never see him again, Rose felt slightly as though she was betraying him by dating Jimmy. She wondered how the Doctor would react if he knew she was beginning to see someone in her world.

How Rose wished she could ask him if he was okay with her moving on to someone new; but then if she somehow had access to the Doctor she would never leave his side or move on. There would be no need to ask him if he approved of her dating.

Besides, even if he could answer her question, Rose knew the Doctor would lie. He would tell her he was happy she was able to live her own life, but inside he would be devastated. The Doctor was that sort of selfless bastard, who'd pretend he was okay with sacrificing his own happiness to save others. For example, when he tried to send Rose back to Pete's World by placing the teleport around her neck. It maddened Rose that he thought he could make that decision for her.

It maddened Rose that even though she'd lost the Doctor, he was still somehow making decisions for her. She grew angry as she thought about how even though he'd let her fall into another universe, her life was still completely dominated by him. She spent every minute of her day grieving him. Why did she even care what some Time Lord she would never see again thought about her beginning a new relationship?

Jimmy would be good for her, he would help her to start again, without the Doctor. Rose needed a new life where she could forget she ever met the Doctor.

Just then she received a text message on her replacement phone, it read:

"Tnks for a great nite bbygurl. Hope 2 see u soon. Im having a party on sat. See u there?Jimmy xxxx"

Rose smiled to herself, she typed back:

"Sounds great. Text me the address+time and Ill see you there xxxx"

Parties and dating. This is exactly what I need to distract myself, Rose thought.

...

 **Meanwhile in another universe...**

The Doctor had a new companion… well he wasn't promising anything long-term. He had taken Martha for a thank-you trip to Shakespearean England, and now he had said he would take her on another trip, but after that he would leave her home. She wasn't replacing Rose, he had made that very clear.

In fact, the Doctor thought that his new friend Martha was aware that, most of the time his mind was pre-occupied with mourning Rose. However, unbeknownst to Martha, the Doctor was now having hallucinations which he suspected were triggered by his obsession with his lost companion. The Time Lord thought that she'd definitely flee the TARDIS if she found that particular fact out, no one liked an unstable, lovesick alien.

He didn't spend as much time with Martha as he had with Rose on the TARDIS. The Doctor and Rose passed almost every waking moment together on-board the ship, whereas Martha seemed to want to leave him to his space. He suspected that he often gave out unfriendly vibes anyway, as often he would rather be alone with his miserable thoughts than have to entertain another human.

At this moment, Martha was in the library exploring the vast array of books on the TARDIS, whereas he was down in the bowels of the ship, in what used to be his bedroom. The Doctor lay spread-eagled across the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. In his hands he held a purple shirt Rose had left behind. What a creep have I become, he thought, the last of the Time Lords coveting some girl's top like a common pervert.

But he didn't have any other means of being close to her.

Just as clutched the shirt to his nose trying to smell her scent, the Doctor felt the same pang of jealousy invade his consciousness as he had felt before. He resisted closing his eyes, but this time the image replaced his open-eyed view of the ceiling.

It was the same man, leaning in towards him. The physical symptoms were even more intense than the last time, whoever the man was he wanted to hurt him. The Doctor didn't know why he wanted to hurt him, but he did. The young man and his stupid slicked back dark hair and defined jawline, whose closed eyes appeared to be mere millimetres from his. He wanted to punch his stupid smug face.

The man broke away and opened his cold grey eyes, appearing to smile at the Doctor,

"Goodnight Rose," he said, leaning forward to give an embrace.

The Doctor lost the vision of the alternate dimension, and was left staring up at the ceiling, sweat-dripping from his face and stomach churning.

Despite his physical discomfort the Doctor smiled, Rose, it was Rose's mind he was in. At this moment, the pain he felt faded was Rose he was seeing, and he was connected to her, somehow he had a link to his love beyond her old clothing. In vain he called out,

"Rose! Can you hear me?" He knew he would hear no answer yet he had to try. Despite the futility of his actions, the Doctor laughed a joyous laugh. She was in his head, and he could see what she saw. At that moment the Doctor didn't care that she was kissing the other man, or indeed why he could see into Rose's head. He just cared that he was still connected to Rose Tyler.

He lay there for a good ten minutes just smiling to himself, but then his smile faded. She had moved on. Rose had moved on, and was kissing someone new. The Doctor reluctantly admitted that he wasn't entirely pleased about this. While he had hoped Rose would be able to find happiness in Pete's World, he didn't expect it to be so soon. How was she able to go on dates and kiss others when the Doctor was paralysed by grief?

Perhaps he didn't mean as much to Rose as she meant to him? How ridiculous that a Time Lord would spend more time grieving over an insignificant pink and yellow human than she spent mourning him.

Why was it that the mighty Gallifreyian spent hours just reminiscing over their memories, while she was out making new memories, kissing new men?

The Doctor supposed that he had technically kissed Martha, but he really hadn't seen that as anything other than a DNA transfer. He suspected Rose felt something more genuine for the dark-haired young man.

He thought back upon the first time he had kissed Rose Tyler. Well, really, it had sort of been the third time their lips had touched. However considering the first time was to save her from being burnt up with the Time Vortex, and the second time was Cassandra possessing Rose's body and then kissing him; both kisses didn't really count.

The first real time had occurred quite shortly after they left New Earth following the Cassandra incident in this very room.

 _The Doctor had known Rose felt awkward about Cassandra using her body to kiss him. Since they had departed from New Earth she had shrunk away from his hugs, and she had seemed more uncomfortable around him._

 _He wanted to tell her that he wasn't angry about the kiss, and that he only wished it had really been her who had kissed him, and not Cassandra. But he suspected the weirdness would just have been heightened._

 _The Doctor wanted to kiss Rose again. Since he had regenerated he had found that his desire for her had increased twofold, he had always loved her; but now he wanted her, and that was a sensation that had scared him. He would have to hide his desire for Rose, as he had long ago decided to not burden with her a Time Lord's love._

 _Besides, old habits die hard and he was frightened by the idea of domesticities. He had never been in a proper human relationship, courtship rituals were very different on Gallifrey. The Doctor didn't know whether he could cope with all the intimacies a human relationship brought._

 _Truth be told, he and Rose were already in a deeply intimate (albeit non-romantic relationship). They even slept together, not "slept together" as in the euphemistic term humans used to describe sex, but in a platonic, comforting way._

 _It had begun after they had travelled back to 1987, and Rose had witnessed the death of her father Pete. She had been emotionally drained after that visit, and had without explanation climbed into bed beside him, and rested her head on the shoulder of his old form._

 _This had occurred more and more frequently as time had gone on (although they ceased for a while after Jack had found out and not shut up about it). The Doctor always found he slept more soundly with Rose by his side._

 _Since his regeneration they had been on a few adventures between Christmas and New Earth, and, after each of these she had, without fail, curled up beside him to sleep._

 _However since they had departed New Earth, Rose had slept in a different room from the Doctor, clearly feeling less at ease around him._

 _The Doctor tried to continue on as if everything was normal, despite the awkwardness which surrounded Rose. They went on a brief trip to the transparent mountains of Jow Koo where his travelling companion had tripped and gashed her leg._

 _"I'm okay Doctor," Rose had insisted, getting back on her feet and trying to keep going._

 _"Rose," the Doctor sighed, exasperated at her martyr like behaviour, "You can barely hobble and there's blood dripping down your leg. We need to get you back to the TARDIS."_

 _Before she could say anything he lifted her up and began to carry her, bridal style. To the Doctor's sadness he saw Rose's cheeks turn red with embarrassment as he carried her. He really wished she could feel comfortable around him again._

 _He took Rose to the medical bay and set her down on the counter. The Doctor examined her bloodied knee which was now visible through her torn jeans._

 _"It doesn't look too bad, but I need to bandage you up," he told her, "I'm going to have to roll up this jean leg to do that."_

 _He only needed to roll it up to just over knee, nothing he hadn't seen before but given Rose's newly sensitive state, he guessed he should ask._

 _"I'll do it Doctor," she insisted, reaching down to roll up her own trouser leg. The Doctor felt ashamed that she trusted him so little._

 _Once she had finished rolling up the trousers he grabbed her hand,_

 _"Rose, you can trust me," he said, squeezing her hand affectionately._

 _"I know that," she said, looking surprised that he'd made such a statement._

 _"Then why do you flinch every time we touch?"_

 _Rose looked down at her bloodied knee to avoid eye contact with the Doctor, "Well I didn't want to subject you to anymore unwelcome touch. I mean Cassandra already put my hands on you enough…" she said, trailing off at the end of her sentence._

 _"Rose, you're not Cassandra. I minded when Cassandra used your body to kiss me," he said, "I don't mind when you touch me. In fact, I rather like it…"_

 _She smiled that tongue behind teeth smile that drove him crazy and replied, "Quite right too."_

 _He laughed, relieved that she had returned to her normal self and proceeded to wrap up her knee in a bandage._

 _The Doctor wrapped her knee up carefully, as though she was the most important thing in the world, because she was the most important thing in the universe to him. When he was done, he looked up at Rose's hazel eyes watching him intently, and then bent his head to tenderly kiss her injured knee which was wrapped in the fresh white bandage._

 _"There," he whispered, "All better."_

 _"Mmm," she replied, "You're almost like a proper doctor."_

 _Despite the good conversation they had in the medical bay, the Doctor was unsurprised when he found the bed empty. He couldn't expect her to get over the shock of being forced to kiss him so soon. Just as he was wondering if he would always be left to sleep alone, he heard a knock at the door._

 _"Doctor?" Rose said, opening the door a fraction, "Are you asleep?"_

 _"No, I'm awake."_

 _Rose came into the room and sat on the bed where they had so often fallen asleep together. She had changed out of her torn jeans and into pyjama shorts and a baggy t-shirt she liked to sleep in. The Doctor looked up at her, looming down on him._

 _"Doctor," she began, "Did you mean it when you said you liked me touching you?"_

 _"Err…yes I did," the Doctor murmured, embarrassed. He sat up on his elbow and continued, "I mean, I'm not trying to be a creep or anything but…"_

 _Before he could say anything else, Rose was leaning towards him and her lips were softly colliding with his. Oh Rassilion, he shouldn't do this, but it was everything he had ever dreamed off and before he could stop himself he was kissing her back. He wrapped his hand around her head bringing her closer to him, using his thumb to caress her cheek._

 _After several minutes, they pulled apart, both breathless. The Doctor smiled cockily,_

 _"Guess you like me touching you too?"_

 _Rose rolled her eyes dramatically but soon cuddled in beside the Doctor where he was able to sleep more soundly than he ever had._

How the Doctor wished Rose was here at this moment beside him, and not kissing some other man. But that could never happen again, he thought, getting up from the bed (the Doctor was unable to actually sleep in this room that they had shared anymore). She was trapped in a parallel universe, and he would never touch her lips again.

It was selfish of the Doctor to begrudge her happiness. Rose Tyler deserved the most fulfilling life possible. He endeavoured in the future to suppress any negative emotions next time these visions intruded into his mind. He would hold back his jealousy and pain for her sake, he was concerned in case his emotions were negatively affecting her.

The Doctor would let his jealousy go; he would feel happiness for her kissing someone new, not in spite of his love for Rose, but because of his love for her.

 **Yeah, so I'm a bit depressed by my own imagination. I was cheered up writing the romantic flashback (sorry for the clichés there), but it kind of breaks me writing self-sacrificing Doctor who knows Rose is dating someone else but wants to be happy for her. I also love writing this sad stuff, sorry.**

 **I'm trying to keep this so that it would sort of work in the actual timeframe of the show, but that's soooo difficult with the whole time travel/parallel universe shit so I've inevitably made some mistakes. Apologies if inaccuracies bother you greatly!**

 **As ever, review are much appreciated! The more I get, the more I'm encouraged to write if I'm honest.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the delay, I hope to be updating more regularly from now on! This chapter contains sexual moments as well as hints to situations with dubious consent, hence why I've upgraded it to M rating. Hopefully you enjoy this chapter!**

Jimmy Stone's party was in full swing and Rose was very drunk.

It had been difficult, arriving at the party of her new/old flame to encounter dozens of familiar faces who didn't know her at all. There were versions of almost all her friends from her old life, and Rose wanted nothing more than to go over and give them a big hug.

But then she remembered they only knew her as Jimmy's new girlfriend who they had never met before.

So for the entire night, she had awkwardly been forced to stick very close to Jimmy who had supplied her with copious amounts of alcohol. He had introduced her to his friends Keisha and Evie (who Rose had been friends with at home) who had also poured her shots, which Rose had accepted eagerly in order to numb the awkwardness of this situation. As a result of her attempt to use alcohol as a social lubricant she had become increasingly unaware of her surroundings.

Jimmy seemed to be very enamoured with Rose, he showed her off like a prize-pony to his mates, and she felt privileged to be on the ever popular guy's arm. But when he left her to go to outside for a smoke or to use the bathroom, Rose felt extremely out of place as she had no-one else to chat to her

On one of these occasions, a guy she didn't recognise had sidled up to her,

"Hey gorgeous," he had said, wrapping his arm around her waist. The man's teeth were yellow, and he resembled a rat. She recoiled slightly from his touch.

"I'm here with someone," Rose said, "Sorry."

"Oh well where is he sweetheart?" The creepy man asked, winking, "C'mon darling give us a kiss, you're all dressed up for something."

Rose screwed up her nose in disgust at the man's refusal to leave her alone. "He's just gone to the bathroom," she stated, "He'll be back in a second."

The man ignored her words, and moved his hand to grope her bum with a lack of finesse.

"I'm sure he won't mind me warming you up, babe," he replied.

Just as Rose was about to turn around and give him a good slap, she saw Jimmy was looming over them looking extremely angry.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked angrily. Rose turned to the creepy man in order to give him a "told you so" look, but was surprised when Jimmy continued, "Are you whoring around on me?"

Rose looked up at him gobsmacked,

"No I was just telling him to piss off because you were coming back!" she replied.

Jimmy looked between Rose and the sheepish man who had now removed his hand from her bottom, clearly unsure as to whether to believe her. His jaw was trembling with anger, and his fists were clenched. Finally, he turned to the other man,

"You better leave my girlfriend alone unless you wanted knocked out!" He yelled angrily. The man scuttled off in the direction of the front door, clearly frightened by Jimmy's aggression.

Jimmy wrapped his large hand around Rose's wrist possessively,

"You're my girlfriend babe," he murmured to her, "I don't want anyone else's hands on you."

Then he kissed her roughly and passionately, leaving Rose's heart racing, with a mixture of fear and desire.

Even in her drunk state, she had vivid bad recollections of Jimmy's possessive behaviour from her previous life, and she didn't wish to provoke his jealous behaviour any more than she already had, so she took the drink he had brought for her and didn't say anything else.

Besides this wasn't abnormal behaviour for any man, or any Time Lord for that matter. The Doctor had displayed jealousy when she was with him, and Rose had found it rather endearing, so why was this any different? Because he hadn't called her a whore, said a small voice in her head. She repressed it.

Jimmy had called her his girlfriend, Rose thought, her heart tingled warmly at that. She smiled up at him,

"Sorry about upsetting you _boyfriend_ ," she apologised, emphasising the title with a smile.

Jimmy grinned sheepishly,

"Yeah I guess there would have been better ways of asking you to be my girlfriend," he said, "Sorry about getting annoyed, I just like you a lot you know?"

"Yeah me too," she said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him. He deepened the kiss and Rose knew they would be okay.

…

When they had finished kissing he took her to dance in his flat's living room which was now littered with beer bottles and cans, and they grinded to some raunchy R&B songs together. Rose was aware of many envious gazes being thrown her way. Jimmy, a budding musician, had always been the object of many girl's affections.

Rose soaked up the attention as she danced provocatively with her new boyfriend. Being with Jimmy made her feel like Victoria Beckham or someone, like she was one half of a celebrity couple.

Suddenly while she was dancing. Rose's body began to shake, she felt as though she was being burnt up. She closed her eyes in pain and to her surprise saw lights behind her closed eyelids. Rose was in excruciating electrifying pain which caused her to scream out, she didn't feel Jimmy's arms attempting to hold her up as she collapsed on his living room floor in agony.

…

The next thing Rose could recall was waking up the next morning in a darkened unfamiliar room, she sat up groggily looking around her settings. To her surprise she found she was naked beneath the grey sheets she lay in.

"Babe, you're awake!" Jimmy said, "How are you feeling?"

"Ugh, not so good my head aches," Rose said.

"I guess the aspirin didn't help then?" he asked.

"What aspirin? I don't remember that," she replied confused.

"Oh shit, I guess you drunk more than I thought," Jimmy said frowning, "You decided to take an aspirin because you'd been really drunk earlier in the night, and you'd heard taking one before bed helps hangovers."

Rose's mind searched for any trace of this but she couldn't recall it, Jimmy must have guessed this because he said,

"Okay I guess you don't remember that then…well I know you remember what happened later that night."

He winked and Rose's heart sunk. Her fear that they'd had sex had been confirmed, she'd be ignoring all the blatant clues thus far. She mentally cursed herself for getting so drunk that she wasn't even able to remember her first time with her new old boyfriend.

 _First times were never perfect. Rose remembered losing her virginity when she was a teenager with the other Jimmy had been a painful affair. She'd had two uncomfortable one night stands shortly after she and Jimmy's breakup, before deciding it was not for her. Her first time with Mickey had been pleasant enough, but there was a lot of awkward fumbling and it left much to be desired._

 _Rose had made the Doctor cry after their first time together. It had been far from the romantic experience she had fantasised about for years._

 _It had been mere weeks since they had first kissed, but a lot had happened be_ _tween then and this moment. For one thing, Mickey had come on board, a development that Rose was not entirely pleased with. Sure, she was glad he was getting an opportunity to see the stars, but at the same time she and the Doctor were now entangled in some sort of romantic relationship._

 _Well, they'd kissed several times but she was always the one to initiate it and the Doctor had always stopped it before she could progress any further. She was starting to doubt if he was really attracted to her at all._

 _She'd stopped kissing him after they'd met Sarah Jane. The Doctor's abandonment of the older woman had made her feel like a loaf of bread with a limited shelf life. When she had asked him about why he'd left Sarah he had said something along the lines of not being able to bear the pain of watching them grow old. Rose wondered how many years she had with him; ten, five? Clearly when she showed a sign she was losing her youth he'd drop her back home again._

 _Rose couldn't bear loving him if it wasn't forever so she tried to stop._

 _It was probably a good job too, for Mickey was on board the TARDIS, and she couldn't very well be snogging the Doctor in front of him._

 _Then the Doctor had met Reinette, bloody perfect Reinette. The Doctor had clearly been enchanted with the noblewoman, at last he had found an equal. Rose felt a level of insecurity she had not for many months. Not since she had asked the big-eared, leather-clad version of the Doctor why he hadn't picked someone else to travel with had she felt this unworthy._

 _As soon as the Doctor had found a pretty, intelligent young woman he had ran off with her. Rose felt every inch the stupid, peroxide blonde shop-girl from the London council estate standing next to Madame de Pompadour in her magnificent ballgown._

 _…._

 _Rose had been furious with the Doctor afterwards. How dare he make her feel so insignificant? How dare he abandon her for some woman he'd only just met?_

 _The conversation in the console room that night had been uneasy, Rose had said very little, and Mickey clearly sensing the tension had excused himself for bed earlier than usual._

 _As soon as Mickey was out of earshot Rose rounded on the Doctor._

 _"What do you have to say for yourself?" she demanded._

 _"What?" the Time Lord replied, clearly fearing the fiery look in Rose's eyes._

 _"I mean, first you tell me that you like me touching you and you let me kiss you and give me the impression that you're enjoying yourself. Then we meet Sarah Jane and you basically give me the impression that you are going to dump me off when I start getting old…"_

 _"Rose I didn't say that," the Doctor started, but stopped when she gave him a death stare._

 _"Then you run off with bloody Madame de Pompadour, and it just made me feel like shit Doctor. Don't you care about my feelings?" Rose asked her voice shaking, "I'm worth more than the way you've been treating me lately."_

 _The Doctor looked at her with those old sad eyes, "Rose don't you get it? I can never give you what you deserve. You deserve happiness and stability and a good man. I can't ever treat you right."_

 _"That's just excuses Doctor."_

 _"It's in my blood Rose. I run. I ran from Gallifrey, I ran from the Time War, I'm running from you. Reinette was me running from you," the Doctor stated, "I need to keep running Rose, don't you understand?"_

 _"No I don't understand, you just sound like every other good for nothing man," she ranted, "You run because you get bored of people."_

 _"No, I run because I destroy everything I touch," he replied his voice shaking, "I'm the Oncoming Storm and I leave destruction in my wake. You have almost been killed so many times Rose, why are you still here? Please just do yourself a favour and walk away."_

 _"Never," Rose said, her previously hardened expression softening._

 _The Doctor rested his head in his hands, "I don't understand, why Rose, why? Please just go before it's too late. You know what I am; a murderer, a destroyer of worlds. Then there's you, goodness and pureness and light. I only bring darkness in my wake. Just tell me to bring you home," he almost shouted._

 _"Never," she repeated, "I can make my own choice and I'm here. Don't try and make the decision for me. Stop treating me like a child, I know who you are and I don't care. I want that person. My Doctor." Rose echoed the words she had spoken as Bad Wolf, and somehow it seemed like a confession of love._

 _Silence fell in the console room, the Doctor studied her intently, "Oh Rose," he said his voice cracking, "I'm scared of hurting you."_

 _"Then don't hurt me Doctor," she leaned in to touch his lips with her own, but he pulled away as if burnt. He looked at the young woman, his brown eyes fixed on her intently before seizing her lips in a passionate kiss._

 _Rose's heart raced, this was the first time he had kissed her of his own accord, she shifted on the TARDIS jump seat so that she was almost in his lap. The Time Lord continued to kiss her passionately, and used his strong hands to hoist her so that she was sitting on his knee._

 _Almost instinctively Rose's hands moved to unfasten his tie, she momentarily paused, expecting the Doctor to tell her to stop. To her great surprise he began kissing her neck, which she took as a sign to continue and she started to unbutton his shirt at great speed._

 _Once she had finished the Time Lord seized her hands, raising them above her hands and grabbed the hem of her t-shirt pulling it roughly over her head. He unfastened her bra before pulling away to look at her,_

 _"Fuck," he said his face wild with passion so intense she thought she might be burned by it, and Rose smiled to hear the Time Lord use her earth expletives, before pulling him into another deep kiss. They weren't stopping now, there was no way she wasn't seeing this through._

 _It was not the way she would have foreseen their first time together, hard and fast on the TARDIS jump seat, but to Rose their shared pants and moans and cries of pleasure were music better than any romantic ballad. The Doctor had also already proven himself to be a better lover than any of her previous partners, and she couldn't help feeling like a very lucky woman._

 _She felt lucky only momentarily for the Doctor fell immediately silent after they finished, Rose attempted to cuddle up beside him, but he coldly said,_

 _"Please get dressed Rose."_

 _Not quite picking up on his tone she replied, "Oh God yeah, Mickey could walk in at any moment!" and she stood up to pick up her t-shirt which the Doctor had tossed on the floor._

 _"How could I be so stupid?!" he cried out addressing the mid-air rather than Rose herself, "The last of the great Time Lords acting like this."_

 _Rose grew immediately angry, "My god, you have got to stop acting like such a dickhead Doctor," she shouted at the still naked Time Lord, "Evidently it's okay for the last of the Time Lords to fuck me in his TARDIS console room, so long as he makes clear that you were above it all immediately afterwards. You think you're above carnal relations, well judging by what just occurred you're just as much of an animal as me."_

 _The Doctor rested his head in his hands avoiding looking at her, "I'm sorry," he said, his voice shaking, "I'm the animal. I treated you like a common prostitute."_

 _Suddenly, the great son of Gallifrey looked entirely vulnerable to Rose; his naked body looked thin and pale, and his face tired, as his wise brown eyes began to fill with tears._

 _"I'm so sorry Rose," the Time Lord said, tears making his voice shake._

 _She moved to sit down beside him again, and wiped a tear off his thin cheek,_

 _"I wanted this Doctor you silly alien."_

 _He shook his head, "Not like this," he said, "Not "fucking" on my TARDIS seat, not with the risk of your old boyfriend walking in, not without me even asking permission."_

 _"I wanted this," Rose repeated, "You didn't need written consent, you could see I wanted to. Besides first times are never perfect."_

 _"But you're perfect," the Doctor said, "And you deserve better."_

 _"Then let's make it better next time."_

 _He smiled through his tears, "You'd want that?"_

 _"Only if you promise not to cry after, it does terrible things to a girl's confidence," she replied, pulling her t-shirt over her head._

 _"I'm sorry," the Doctor said again._

 _"And stop apologizing!" Rose said exasperatedly, she hesitated for a moment, "Doctor...you can't get me pregnant, can you?"_

 _"I don't know," he said, before quickly looking at her alarmed face and amending his statement to, "Well I definitely haven't made you pregnant. Time Lords only reproduce during sex if they intend to."_

 _"Well that's more reliable than the pill," she said relieved, "Why did you say you didn't know then?"_

 _"I thought you meant did I have the capacity to make you pregnant," the Doctor admitted, "I don't know if humans and Time Lords are able to reproduce."_

 _"Oh."_

 _"Relationships with other species were strictly forbidden," he continued, "Our…whatever this is…is totally unprecedented."_

 _"Surely someone broke the rules?" Rose asked._

 _"No. A Time Lord isn't supposed to be interested in other species, except to study them," the Doctor said, "Time Lords care more for reason and honour, they have no concepts of lust or sexuality or love, especially not with "inferior" races."_

 _"You always make Gallifrey sound so wonderful, but a world without love…that sounds awful," Rose says._

 _The Time Lord sighed, "Perhaps I'm making it sound worse than it was, certainly there was rational affection between families, but not to the extent of humans. Time Lords don't approve of passions that would choose you to make irrational choices."_

 _"I guess "Romeo and Juliet" never made it into the best-seller list?"_

 _The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her, "Actually we studied that as a text at the Academy. It was supposed to serve as a proverb as to why we should never get caught up in irrational emotions like other species," he said._

 _"Do you think I'm irrational Doctor?" Rose asked._

 _He looked at her and honestly replied, "Yes. But I'm more irrational."_

 _"But you're a Time Lord!"_

 _"Exactly. I'm a Time Lord who cries at "Romeo and Juliet". I'm a Time Lord who wasted a regeneration on saving an insignificant human. I'm a Time Lord who kisses earth girls. I'm a Time Lord who has just made love to you in my TARDIS control room," he laughed ironically, "The Council of Gallifrey would banish me from the planet if I hadn't already burnt it."_

 _Rose looked down at her bare feet, "I'm sorry," she said, "If I've made you feel ashamed."_

 _He stood, moving close to her and wrapping his arms around her, "You could never make me feel anything but proud Rose. The Time Lords are dead, their way of life died with them. I should have faded away with them, but I didn't because of you."_

 _She rested her head on his still-naked chest, "You should know I've wanted this for a long time," Rose said._

 _"Me too," he admitted, "I promise not to cry next time."_

"Of course I remember that!" she said, trying to conceal her guilt at forgetting she and Jimmy's first time, "It was amazing!"

Jimmy looked momentarily concerned before his face broke into his winning smile, "I can't wait for a repeated performance…"

Rose felt inexplicably ill at the idea.

"…But not this morning," he boyfriend continued, "Right now we're having breakfast."

...

She was unsurprised to find Jimmy's cooking as bad as it had been at home, his idea of breakfast was coco-pops and toast, not exactly gourmet food but charming nonetheless. While he was buttering his toast he looked up at her in concern and asked,

Rose's memory came flooding back, she remembered the sudden excruciating pain and collapsing. She had no idea why she had such a reaction, but for some reason she knew she wasn't ill, illness didn't make you see lights behind closed eyes. Perhaps it was trauma from her mugging? Somehow she didn't think traumatic flashbacks came with the level of pain she had experienced.

"I don't think there is any need Jimmy," Rose insisted.

"You were screaming in agony babe."

Rose knew that, it was the last thing she recalled of the previous night, before she woke up this morning. She also knew no doctor would take her symptoms seriously, but she saw that Jimmy wouldn't take no for an answer in this matter.

"Okay I'll ring the doctor when I go home," she lied, feeling slightly pathetic when her heart twisted as she spoke the name of her former lover. Why was her unconscious mind still craving him when she was dead-set on never thinking of the Doctor again?

Jimmy kissed his girlfriend on the forehead protectively, "Good girl," he said.

…..

The Doctor knew he had to start being more careful. His bones were still aching after his stunt on the Empire State Building. He'd always had a streak of recklessness, but recently he'd treated his mortality with a surprising amount of abandon.

He and Martha had been in New York, attempting to stop the Daleks in their plans. When the Doctor had found out they were attempting to breed new Daleks, he had climbed the mast to try and disassemble the device they were using to convert the humans.

He had done this despite knowing he could fall to his death, despite knowing that the solar strike could occur while he was still climbing the mast. Indeed, the strike had hit him; it would have killed any human, but he was a Time Lord and he could easily survive such a thing. It had, however, caused him intense agony which could have easily caused him to lose his grip on the mast.

Despite his superior Time Lord genealogy, he was still in pain from the electricity coursing through him, even now back on the TARDIS. As he gingerly moved his sore body, the Doctor cursed his stupidity, did he have a death wish? Yes, a small voice in his head answered, perhaps he did.

Without Rose, there to rein him in he'd been growing less and less content with his life. Who cared now if the last Time Lord lived? He'd tried to banish such destructive thinking to the back of his mind, and had even toyed with the idea of a new companion, but he'd decided he would take Martha home.

He'd told himself he was happy that Rose could live out her life in another universe safely. He'd told himself it was better this way. The Doctor had lied to himself. He was a selfish bastard and all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms again. In his darkest moments, he had been tempted to find her again; universes be damned he didn't care if they ripped apart if it meant he could see Rose again.

Then he calmed down and he realised that he mustn't do such a thing. She wouldn't want that. And he was glad, that if he couldn't see her again (and he knew he couldn't) that through the link he'd had to her mind he knew she was happy.

He wondered how he'd been granted an insight into Rose's mind. As he'd once told her after she asked whether he could make her pregnant, there was no precedent for a human/Time Lord relationship. The Doctor knew that Gallifreyian partners could glimpse into each other's thoughts at will, but this was different. He was not delving consciously into Rose's mind; besides she was not a Time Lady and they'd never had any psychic link while they were together.

The Doctor wondered if she was aware of their link and imagined not, he was the one was the psychic ability, not her. He was grateful for that; it would be too much of a burden on her new life.

…..

The Doctor had said goodbye to Martha, and dropped her off in her flat in London. She had seemed dejected, but he knew this was the way things had to be. He must go on, alone.

He had left in the TARDIS and had circled the earth a few times. He'd gone to the Powell Estate and walked the streets, gazing up at the now empty flat in which Rose had spent the first nineteen years of her life. This wasn't healthy.

He thought about Rose again, and he thought about Martha. Rose would like Martha; she would appreciate her wit and bravery. The Doctor could practically see her, tutting at him for abandoning the woman. Rose would have told him to bring her with him.

The Doctor decided then to set his TARDIS to go to the moment when he had dropped Martha home. It was time to get on with his life, as Rose was getting on with hers.

 **I'm trying to sort of follow canon here, so this scene was supposed to take place between "Evolution of the Daleks" and "The Lazarus Experiment" in series 3. As ever, apologies for the sad/unpleasant moments, but hopefully you're still bearing with me. As ever feedback is welcome (and praise even more so), reviews really do spur me along to write. Much love!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay I'm sorry this chapter took so long…it's also slightly confusing. It again features sex/drug references if that bothers you. There's a lot I wanted to include in here and it ends up getting a bit muddled I feel. I'm gonna put some explanatory notes at the end, but feel free to ask any questions if you're still confused.**

 **Hope you enjoy the chapte** r!

Rose was in bed with another man when she felt the love of her life dying.

…..

Jimmy was becoming increasingly a stable fixture in her new life, much to her family's disapproval. They had now been together for a good few months. He had gotten her a job at the bar his band sang in; Rose would have never thought she'd be satisfied to pull pints after her travels in time and space, but it paid well enough and had good hours.

She had sworn she would never to back to a life of work and chips. Jimmy's world was more than just work and chips, he was excitement and danger. Rose quickly remembered why she'd been so infatuated by Jimmy when she'd met him at fifteen. His life was undeniably sexy. Even though, he was technically a different man, his actions had shown Rose he was very much the same guy she'd been head-over-heels for as a teenager.

He was impulsive, passionate, aggressive, dangerous, and glamourous. Once he had picked her up on the back of a motorcycle (he couldn't drive motorcycles) and, then, once he'd parked the (stolen bike in an alley, he had sex with her in said alleyway. Jimmy had then taken her inside the bar and gotten into a fist-fight with a man who had offered to buy Rose a drink. Afterwards, Jimmy had persuaded a shaken Rose to snort a line of white powder with him. He'd then managed to get onstage at the bar with the band and start singing with them.

All this happened in one (albeit, unusually eventful) night, it made Rose feel as though her life could be equally as exciting without the Doctor. Sometimes, she wondered what he would say if he could see her now, she doubted the ever-moralistic Time Lord would approve of her and Jimmy's antics. The great Doctor would tut at their fun, perhaps like her family, he'd even disapprove of their love. Rose felt satisfied at the idea he was angry with her, as she was now beginning to think he deserved it; but her satisfaction quickly turned into irritation when she realised that the mighty Time Lord had probably left behind any thought of her as soon as Pete had grabbed her out of his world.

An equally unhappy Jimmy disturbed her unhappy thoughts by storming into his bedroom. He was only wearing his boxers, having pulled them on when he got out of bed to handle a "business call". Jimmy exhaled in frustration, "For fucks' sake!" he cried out, kicking his wardrobe in frustration.

"What's wrong babe?" Rose asked, wondering who'd had the misfortune to annoy Jimmy Stone, and if they knew how dearly they'd pay for it.

"The bastard who owns the venue isn't letting us play on Tuesday night." Jimmy's band had been due to do a "big gig" later that week, "We're still gonna have to pay the sound people we hired and everything, and we really could have done with the money," he said.

"Aww babe," Rose cooed, not really knowing what to say.

""Awwwww babe!"" Jimmy mimicked in a mockingly high voice, his tone returned to a growling anger and he said, "Do you really think that helps, you silly bint?"

"I'm sorry, I just…" she stammered

"No, no I'm sorry Rose," Jimmy said, sitting down on the bed and ruffling Rose's hair, "You just keep that pretty mouth out of things you don't understand, okay sweetheart?"

In the back of Rose's head, she knew a few months ago, she would have given him a slap for being patronising. But she looked in his beautiful blue eyes, and she knew he meant well. So, as her boyfriend ran a thumb over her lips, she nodded submissively.

"Good girl," he murmured, leaning in to kiss her.

After a few minutes of passionate kissing, he pulled away and swung himself onto the bed. Jimmy cuddled her close and fell asleep beside her. Yet, despite being tired, Rose found herself wide-awake.

Suddenly, she felt a shooting pain, like that she had felt a few months ago, at Jimmy's party. Rose bit her lip, trying to avoid waking her sleeping boyfriend, she couldn't deal with his questions again. She closed her eyes, and again she saw an image behind her eyes. This time, not lights, but an oh so familiar scene.

Rose could see the TARDIS, the interior of the time-machine, which she would always recognise no matter how much pain she was in. She could see an unfamiliar girl, crying out the Doctor's name in anguish. It seemed she was looking at Rose, who couldn't focus on her.

Rose heard a scream, not her scream, she was still biting her lips determinedly. But a man's scream, the most heart-breaking noise, the Doctor's scream. He must be in pain too, Rose realised. Why wasn't this girl with him, she thought, why wasn't she with the Doctor rather than shouting at her?

Then Rose realised with a jolt that she must be seeing from the perspective of the Doctor, she was inside his head, and he was in terrible pain. She tried to see some clue as to what was happening to him, but suddenly her vision returned to black. She realised the Doctor must be dead.

Silent tears fell fast down Rose's cheeks, as she cried for her dead love.

…

Rose had to mourn the Doctor silently, she couldn't very well tell Jimmy, and she didn't want to tell her family as she wasn't really speaking to them anyway.

Rose wasn't quite sure how she knew he was dead, but she'd had never not been certain he was alive, and now she wasn't. Yes, she knew that didn't make sense, but it sort of made sense to her. Given her vision into his head just before he died, she wondered if she had been psychically connected to him.

She remembered asking him about psychic connections between Time Lords when they had been travelling in the deserts of Lyre.

 _The inhabitants of this planet had been strange, not strange as in strange looking, they appeared just like humans. These desert dwellers had not believed in the concept of speech, in fact, they'd found it personally offensive._

 _The Doctor had tried to tell them their names upon their arrival, and the burly soldiers had tried to hold pitchforks to their throats. They continued to do so as they tried to apologise, in fact the people had only stopped when the Doctor and Rose had raised their hands in surrender._

 _As they had continued their trek, the Doctor discreetly whispered in Rose's ear,_

 _"Don't speak. I believe this particular species find speech offensive." She had looked at him in confusion, but dared not to ask a question lest they have pitchforks held to their throats again._

 _What was even more strange, was that these people seemed to be attuned to every need Rose had without her having to say anything. When she became slightly thirsty, she was quickly handed a flask of water-like liquid. When she felt, her skin burning, she was handed a tub of ointment which she found healed her red skin. When she missed walking with the Doctor (who had gone to the front of the convoy), a local dragged him back to her._

 _The Doctor looked very disgruntled at this, and Rose felt slightly offended, until he again bent down to whisper in her ear,_

 _"They're reading our minds."_

 _..._

 _When they camped for the night, the Doctor ensured that their tent was as far away from the natives of Lyre as possible, so that they could talk, albeit in whispers._

 _"You don't like them," Rose whispered, as she rested her head on her lover's shoulder. They had cuddled together for warmth under the scratchy blanket in their slightly smelly tent that the locals had provided._

 _"Their culture is very different from mine," the Doctor stated, his jaw gritted._

 _"How? They seem polite enough," she challenged._

 _"I would hardly call reading someone's mind polite, Rose."_

 _"You read Madame de Pompadour's mind," Rose replied, accusingly. Madame de Pompadour was still something of a sore spot with her._

 _"Yes, with her permission."_

 _"And that makes a difference because?"_

 _The Doctor sighed, running a hand through his brown hair._

 _"You remember me telling you that on Gallifrey, Time Lords care far more about the mental than about the physical?" he asked._

 _Rose nodded, he had told her that mere days ago, when he was explaining why there was no precedent for Time Lord/human relationships, after they'd had sex._

 _"Well, all Time Lords can read minds…but to read someone's mind…for a Time Lord, entering into one's mind is the greatest act of intimacy," the Doctor said, "It's only permitted between lifelong mates…or in a life-or-death situation."_

 _The Doctor added the last bit quickly, clearly seeing the jealousy written on Rose's face, as he described how he'd performed "the greatest act of intimacy" on Reinette._

 _"So…to read someone's mind without their permission…that's like rape on Gallifrey?" Rose asked, curious._

 _The Doctor raised an eyebrow, "That's a good comparison, yes."_

 _"So to read someone's mind is like Time Lord sex?"_

 _He looked flustered clearly knowing what she would ask,_

 _"Rose, on Gallifrey, both parties are able to read each other's mind, and once they've done it…they can do it…forever, they're always linked," the Doctor said._

 _"I want that," Rose said insistently, taking his hand._

 _"I don't even know if it's possible, you're not psychic," the Time Lord said, "And you wouldn't want it even if we could bond. It's not reversible, and it hurts Rose."_

 _"Can we at least try?"_

 _"It wouldn't be fair if I could see into your mind and you couldn't see into mine, would it?"_

 _"I don't care about fair, Doctor!" Rose shouted, a little too loudly. He desperately tried to shush her, but knew it was no use._

 _"I'm tired of you shutting me out! I know how you feel about me, and you know how I feel about you, so why are you so scared of letting me in?" She continued her tirade._

 _"Okay Rose," the Doctor said in a whispered voice. Rose looked at him with a startled expression._

 _"Okay what?" she demanded._

 _"Okay we can try it if you like, after we talk about it a bit more," he replied._

 _"Err…good?" Rose said, clearly unused to having won an argument so easily, "Hold on, why can't we talk about it now?"_

 _"Because," the Doctor sighed, "I think your shouting has attracted attention." Sure enough, just as he finished speaking, a muscular arm reached into the tent and seized him. Rose exited the tent too, and was greeted by a dozen angry locals bearing pitchforks._

 _"Right…errr…sorry," the Doctor said, only making the locals edge closer to them, "Oh yes, I'm making things worse, right. Err…Rose, run!"_

 _He grabbed her hand and they began sprinting away from the crowd of locals across the desert. As they out-ran them, and landed into the TARDIS, they both collapsed on the floor laughing with elation._

 _"God I love this," Rose declared, as they lay on the grating of the TARDIS floor, chests still heaving from laughter. She rolled over on her stomach so that she was closer to him, and kissed him._

 _"I love this," she repeated._

 _"Me too," the Doctor said, grinning from ear to ear._

But now the Doctor was dead, she just could feel it. She hoped the girl with him had given him a good funeral.

Rose couldn't help feel a pang of jealousy that he was clearly travelling with someone new. Perhaps he loved this new girl more than he had loved Rose. Stop doubting yourself Rose, she told herself, you would know if he loved someone else.

She didn't know where this new bout of assuredness had come from, but suddenly she was perfectly confident about the mysterious Gallifreyian connection she had with the Time Lord. Well, she was confident it was gone now.

Things felt even bleaker for Rose, in the back of her mind, she had always thought she'd be reunited with the Doctor. Somehow. But now he was dead and she no reason to live her life in a way the Doctor would approve of.

…

Rose was going even deeper down the rabbit hole with Jimmy. Jackie, Pete, and Mickey had all-but stopped talking to her; she only went back to Pete's mansion to grab some stuff occasionally, she mainly lived with Jimmy. Her family suspected Jimmy to be a dealer, and they were basically right.

Money really wasn't great, and Jimmy's band weren't doing well, so he sold a bit on the side, just to keep them afloat. Rose still had her barmaid job, but it wasn't enough to support them both. And so, he dealt drugs, Rose knew what her boyfriend was doing wasn't right. But truth be told, she didn't really care.

Her and Jimmy had terrible rows, sometimes they got physical, he didn't like Rose's cheek. It wasn't like she was blameless, she riled him up, and she would hit him back. It was by no means a perfect relationship, but since her family had stopped talking to her. He was all she had.

Rose Tyler was unrecognisable from the woman who the Doctor had travelled with. She had lost the very essence of herself.

...

There was one night when she was out with Jimmy and his mates, walking back from Arcadia, when they spotted someone familiar to the men.

"Yo Jimmy," Phil, one of his most loyal cronies aid, pointing at a small middle aged man on the phone at the door of a bar, "That's Tom Gordon who fucked us over."

Jimmy turned sharply to glance at the man, he grinned, "Yes, it is."

Rose looked at Reece who was normally the most sensible of the gang for explanation, sure enough he said, "That's the guy who cancelled our big gig last minute."

"Fucking bastard," Aaron muttered confirming, the guy's identity as the one who had cost the band their money.

Before anyone could say anything else, Jimmy was staggering across the road.

"GORDON!" he hollered at the man, who looked up startled, "You son-of-a-bitch."

The rest of the gang followed Jimmy to stand behind him with clenched fists, leering aggressively at the man. Rose cowered behind Jimmy, not daring to say a word.

"Look Jim, I don't want no bother, I'm sorry you lost your money on the gig, okay?" Tom Gordon said.

"No, it's not okay Gordon, no-one fucks Jimmy Stone over like that!" he replied, shoving the smaller man.

"I'm sorry!" Gordon cried terrified, stumbling backwards "I'll pay you back!"

Jimmy's mates were circling him like sharks now, sensing blood.

"It's not just the money, it's my fucking dignity. Everyone was expecting to see us play, and then we had to cancel. People laughed at me," Jimmy said, darkly, "No-one makes a fool out of me."

He threw a punch at the man who tried to swing his fists wildly in defence. It was too late, Jimmy's gang had descended on him, and were ruthlessly attacking him. Soon, Tom Gordon was on the ground, yet the attacks didn't stop. Rose heard a sick crack and she saw blood trickle from the man's broken body. She shielded her eyes from the gory sight.

"Our work's done here lads, let's go," Jimmy said. They all began to run away from Tom Gordon, whose mouth was moving without words coming out, clearly unable to scream. But Rose was rooted to the spot, eyes now fixed on the man,

She could see the man was gravely injured, she ought to help him, or at least call an ambulance. The man tried to reach out a hand to her, clearly begging for help.

"C'mon Rose, we've got to go!" Jimmy yelled at her.

"We can't leave him like this!" she cried, gesturing at him, "Please Jimmy, let me call an ambulance!" She was crying now, as she battled with her conscious.

"Someone will find him! He'll be fine, but we won't if we're caught! Let's go, NOW!" he shouted, snatching her hand.

Rose ran with him, daring not look back at the bleeding whom she feared was dying.

There was a time when she'd have risked her life for others in a heartbeat, but now, Rose Tyler had become a coward.

...

 **In another universe...**

John Smith was having the oddest dreams. He had always had a perfectly normal life; a schoolmaster's life was a stable one.

Yet he had found himself having the oddest dreams, of impossible creatures and places and people he was quite sure had never seen before.

He had dreamt that he was a man from another world; a man who could travel through space and time, a man who could change his face, a man who could do extraordinary things. A "time-lord" named "the Doctor".

Of course, this was impossible, John was a mere schoolteacher and not at all extraordinary. Normally, he would spurn such silly notions, but he had found himself increasingly captivated by the vivid dreams. John had begun to record them, drawing sketches of what he saw. He recorded these in a "Journal of Impossible Things", as he referred to it. He hoped his naming of the journal would help draw the distinction between fantasy and reality, which had become increasingly blurred.

For the dream seemed real. When he was in them, he felt like the Doctor. Each morning for a few short seconds, he forgot he was John Smith and truly believed he was a time-traveller from another world.

John thought he had read somewhere that you couldn't dream of a person unless you had seen their face before, but the only familiar character in these dreams was his maid, Martha. But she too looked and acted differently, in these dreams she was a medical student from 2007, not a lowly maid.

One face, who John had dreamt of frequently, was one Rose Tyler. Another 21st century character with blonde hair and a brash London accent. Not the type of girl John Smith would have taken a shine too, yet she was undeniably pretty, he had blushed when Nurse Redfern had pointed out her drawing in his journal as he was afraid his love interest would be jealous.

Joan didn't seem jealous, but then she wasn't aware of the dreams he had been having. Dreams of improper things.

John's imagination was evidently extremely over-active, for not only had he dreamt of adventures in time and space, but also of improper relations with the London shopgirl.

 _On one occasion, John had dreamt of a vast desert, like the ones in African he had read about. Rose and he were being chased across the sandy plains, by some strangely dressed men brandishing pitchforks._

 _They reached his ship (which the Doctor referred to as the TARDIS, and was bigger on the inside that on the out), and collapsed on the floor in relief. Rose began laughing and the Doctor followed suit (although John wasn't quite sure what was funny)._

 _The blonde girl rolled over and leaned in to kiss the man. When she pulled away (all too soon for the Doctor's liking), she smiled a tongue behind tooth grin that made even John's sensible heart flutter when he thought of it now._

 _"I love this," she told him. And he couldn't help smiling back at her,_

 _"Me too," the Doctor said. He reached over to stroke her face, before kissing her again hungrily. He rolled so that Rose was on top of him, peering down at the Time Lord through her thick lashes and panting heavily._

 _"…Rose, are you sure you want this?" he asked her, sitting up, bringing his companion with him._

 _"Yes, I want you to share my body and my mind," she said, squeezing his shoulders. John did not understand what these words meant, just that it made the Doctor's blood rush with affection._

 _He kissed Rose's blonde hair, before standing up, with the girl still clinging onto him. She wrapped her legs around her waist and allowed her Time Lord to carry her through the corridors of the TARDIS to a bedroom._

 _There he laid her down on the bed, and…well John was horrified to say that they engaged in things that ought to be confined to the marital bed._

 _Yet, the Doctor appeared to have few reservations, and his bold young companion even fewer. Rose was clearly a brazen young woman, whose actions made the Doctor (and even the prudish John), wild with lust._

 _John had never actually partaken in such acts, having never been married, and he wondered how his imagination came up with anything this lewd. He was loathed to admit that he was incredibly aroused by the spectacle, and that a naked Rose had been occupying his thoughts for weeks._

 _The most curious part was that midway through the Doctor paused saying, "Rose, I'm going to try and graze the surface of your mind is that okay?"_

 _The 21st century girl had nodded, and solemnly replied "Yes I want this Doctor." The Doctor kissed the unclothed young woman chastely, before resting his forehead against hers. John's bold alter-ego surprised him with this odd action, despite having no experience in this area, he was sure this wasn't a usual action in carnal relations._

 _John's perspective suddenly changed, rather than seeing his companion's flushed pink creamy flesh, he saw the expanse of space. The Doctor was suddenly filled with joy, as he saw his previous self stretch out a hand (John had seen the leather-clad man in a previous dream, and knew it was a previous form of "the Doctor"). He saw flashing bright lights and heard Rose's voice say "My Doctor, I want you safe". The scene changed again and he saw Rose's mother and again her voice saying "The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life…". And these things, as meaningless and fragmented as they seemed to John, made sense to the Doctor. The Doctor was sure now that she wanted him, her mind had showed him._

 _John didn't understand how the Doctor's mind worked, or indeed how a man who was after all a figment of his imagination, had such wholly different thoughts to his creator. He only knew that the Doctor believed he had seen inside Rose's mind, and that it had made him sure of what he'd never quite known before, that she loved him. John Smith wasn't an expert in emotions of love, but to him it was pretty evident that the young woman had loved the "Time Lord" of his imagination. But apparently, the Doctor with all his bravado and magnificence hadn't believed the girl could truly love him._

 _The Doctor believed the girl was too pure to possibly love an old time traveller like him. John had scoffed momentarily at the idea of the clearly wanton woman being "pure". But apparently, this was the Doctor's belief. He was overjoyed at the idea of his Rose actually loving him._

 _John/The Doctor's vision cleared to see her lying before him again, she was looking up concerned._

 _"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, "I couldn't see anything."_

 _The Doctor felt a little emotional, "You could never do anything wrong Rose," he said to her, stroking her cheek, "I saw into your mind."_

 _A smile spread over her face, "Oh yeah, was it interesting?" she asked, "I don't feel any different."_

 _The time-traveller closed his eyes as though in pain, "I thought this might happen," he murmured, so quietly she didn't hear. He stroked her cheek again,_

 _"More than interesting, it was life-affirming," he replied to her, before catching her full lips in a kiss, and proceeding with what they had been doing._

 _John thought the dream might end, now the Doctor and Rose were done their…relations (which the staid schoolmaster had enjoyed more than he ever cared to admit). However, it continued to the aftermath._

 _The Doctor felt worried as he held Rose reverently in his arms as though she might break. They lay there for some time before she finally broke the silence,_

 _"Did you enjoy the Time Lord mind-sex?" (John's imagination really must have been on over-time) she asked teasingly._

 _The Doctor tensed, "Rose we can't do that again," he said. She rolled over and looked at him, outraged,_

 _"Why on earth not?" she demanded._

 _The Doctor stood up, still unclothed, and paced about the room,_

 _"I told you, humans and time-lords aren't compatible psychically. You couldn't see into my mind, it's not fair," he said._

 _"We literally had this discussion already you big idiot alien. I. Don't. Care." John was surprised at how impolite the young woman was to her male counterpoint (and perhaps slightly impressed)._

 _"Rose I'm not willing to take anything from you that I can't give you in return. We didn't bond, I can't continue to enter your mind," the Doctor replied curtly._

 _There was silence in the bedroom between the two lovers for some time._

 _"Did I disappoint you?" Rose asked._

 _"What?"_

 _"Where you disappointed that I couldn't bond with you… did it remind you that I'm only human?" she asked._

 _The Doctor stopped pacing and knelt on the bed before her,_

 _"Why do you think human is so bad? I love human."_

 _"But you, you belong to this superior race and we're not compatible…"_

 _He sighed deeply, "Rose we are more than compatible. We don't need some stupid Gallifreyian mind trick to tell us we're bonded. We'll always be bonded, you've saved my life so many times, in so many ways. You wonderful human being."_

 _She smiled her lovely teethy smile again, and said, "You know I feel the same way don't you?"_

 _"Yes, yes I do," the Doctor could reply honestly for the first tim_ e.

John Smith, as much as he disapproved of the brash actions of the young woman, couldn't help feeling that, like the Doctor, he was just a little bit in love with Rose Tyler.

 **Yeah, so the Doctor isn't dead obviously. Rose thinks she saw him die when he transformed himself using the chameleon arch in "Human Nature". The "Doctor" flashback is a memory that John Smith sees as a dream in his human form. It features John seeing the Doctor seeing into Rose's mind during weird Time Lord mind sex (are you confused yet?).**

 **Also, as you can hopefully see, the Jimmy/Rose relationship is turning very problematic. If you or anyone you know is experiencing any of this kind of shit in any sort of relationship, then please seek help! The relationship as portrayed in this fic is not healthy nor should it be romanticised.**

 **Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and continue you to read the story. I promise to endeavour to write more quickly (it helps if I get nice reviews), and yeah feel free to ask me any questions you might have!**


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